The Heart of Worship

As many of you know, I led worship for a women's retreat last weekend. I was so excited for it to come and had been preparing months in advance. Don't you love it when you learn more than you ever anticipated? The theme of the lesson was "Satan's Lies vs. God's Truth". Oh how I needed this lesson! The Truth Project study I've been doing has been so transforming in that department and I was excited to get to solidify my learnings.

I arrived at the retreat on Friday, sang, played the guitar, and led worship. Then the teaching began. The message was so profound and hit me so hard that I knew I needed to spend some time alone with God that night in the Word and prayer. So I read the Word, I prayed, and I journaled.

These were the words of prayer that I wrote to the Lord that night...


"You say You search me and You know me, God, so search me through and through. Do You find me to be contaminated? Are you offended by what You see? All I wanted was to be beautiful, Lord... completely and uniquely set apart. It seems, however, that I have turned out just like everybody else... in search of significance in a place I'll never find it.

If there's one thing I've learned it's that the world, the 'all knowing' world doesn't know a thing. They walk around thinking that they hold the answer to every question and the Truth to every thought... but the world is a liar... and I have believed them.

I long to know the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth. Living a lie is to be truly and completely held captive. Lies imprison our hearts and convince us that we are what the world says we are... that we will only ever be that which they declare us to be. I'm done with living a lie, Lord. How I long to be set free from every worldly chain I carry. I want freedom, Lord, and I'm ready to give up everything for it.

'Then you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free!' - John 8:32"


The Question

Prayer is a spiritual gift of mine and Lord has faithfully answered each of them. When I prayed that I was willing to give up everything in order to be freed of my worldly chains, I meant it... and I knew that He would answer that prayer in a difficult but necessary way. Be careful what you pray for, Kelley.





When I woke up the next morning (Saturday) I pulled out my guitar to practice worship for that day and I immediately stopped. My voice was gone. My speaking voice was strained and my singing voice had almost disappeared completely. By the time Sunday morning rolled around the only sound coming from my mouth was complete silence. I could not sing and I couldn't speak at all. Not a word. I was so frustrated. I couldn't believe it all was gone... though, deep down, I really was not surprised. I just didn't understand... I was there to serve and to lead these women in worship. The Lord gave me the gift of song and of music. How can I lead if I have no voice, God?


The Truth

The Lord taught me a very important lesson that Sunday morning. You see, we Believers often have the false impression that spiritual gifts cannot be used for our own glory. Because "spiritual gifts" are esteemed over plain old talent, we assume that our motives are always pure and true when we are using them. The Truth is... when all is said and done, spiritual gifts are used to bless us, bless the Lord, and bless others... but they don't make us who we are or determine our value in the Lord's eyes. He loves us because He chooses to... not because we did anything or could ever do anything to earn His love.

The message of the weekend, based on the book The Search For Significance, was not to base our self-worth on things, or people, or abilities. While I didn't understand at first why the Lord would take away the gift of leading in music, which was the main reason I was there in the first place, He made it clear to me that morning...

"When the music fades and all is stripped away... I simply come."

The heart of worship is not about music or singing, it's a state of surrendering the lies of our hearts in exchange for the Truth that's found in God's presence. You see, I had mistakenly believed that my worship was inferior if my voice could not be heard with human ears. How wrong I was. Worship is an act of the heart, not an act of our voice. Tears filled my eyes as the Lord whispered to my heart, "Precious Child, even if your body fails you, your talents give way, and your spiritual gifts are nowhere to be found... I still love you."



The Truth Will Set You Free

When the retreat finally came to a close that Sunday morning and all the equipment was put away, I made one final trip to my room to grab my bags and my guitar and bring them to the car. As I descended the stairs I had one of my favorite worship songs playing over and over in my head. Out of habit I opened my mouth to sing...

"There's a cry in my heart for Your glory to fall

For Your presence to fill up my senses..."

My eyes quickly filled with tears as I heard my voice sing clearly first the first time in 2 days. He gad given me my voice back as if it had never left me. Now that I knew the Truth, my voice had finally been freed to worship Him with a true heart of worship. For I finally believed these precious words in my heart...

I am deeply loved

I am completely forgiven

I am fully pleasing

I am totally accepted...

... and...

...COMPLETE IN CHRIST.

I will never forget that moment as long as I live.