There is such a sadness deep within my heart today. This sadness, the kind that brings a person back to where they should be, is a sadness strangely accompanied by joy. Not a joy over the way things are, but the way they could be.
I remember a few years back, prior to my year and a half long illness, when I used to run miles along the shore every day. I ran, not because it felt good, but because it brought me closer to the Lord. Those were steps of obedience back then. I knew He was calling me to follow Him and I was determined to do so. I learned many years ago that sometimes the first step of obedience begins with a physical step; beating our body into submission and not allowing it to hold us back from reaching the places the Lord has prepared for us. If only we'll follow Him there, away from the distractions of life around us...
My walk with the Lord was such a refreshment to my soul back then. I used to get off work each day and head straight for these beautiful cliffs that overlooked the sea. I spent many hours of my pre-married life there, just soaking up the Lord's presence, singing His praises, and pouring out my heart to Him. I took the time to really listen for His voice back then and was so blessed when I could hear Him speaking to my soul. I remember one day, with tears in my eyes, I asked Him for a hug. I needed it so badly that day and I cried as I felt Him hold me.
Do you have days where you feel the Lord calling You to a place you used to spend time with Him? A place you feel Him beckoning you to return to, but you've allowed your obligations and to-do lists to keep you from going? I think of how I allow exhaustion and sickness to keep me from going to the very place where I will find rest and healing. My wonderful husband has even nudged me lovingly to go back there many times, but I tell myself that the experience won't be the same because I'm too sick to run now and the cliffs have become far too populated. Besides, I'm a married woman now with a baby due to arrive in 6 short weeks. That's excuse enough, isn't it?
...and that's when the tears come... because I realize that I am missing out on an opportunity to dance with the Lord. He's been waiting at the bottom of the stairs for His Cinderella to come for years now and, each time the clock strikes midnight and she doesn't appear, He feels a greater sadness in His heart. "Would she rather clean the house than dance with her prince? Has the man I gave to her in marriage taken my place in her heart? Has the child I blessed her womb with become a greater gift than my love for her?"
These are the things I feel as I share my heart with you today and I pray sincerely that it speaks to your life as well. I have grown so much in my walk with the Lord the past few years and yet continue to resist using the spiritual gifts that He has given me. These gifts, when used, bring refreshment to my soul and to others. So why do I keep running away from them? Am I afraid to let go of the control I THINK I have over my life? Do I fear that, by fulfilling my calling, I will end up having to trust the Lord with my every step from now on? After all, what if He flips my life upside down again or leads me away from the places and the people that make up my home now? I have always feared change and yet I realize that, aside from God, the only thing certain in life is change.
But what happens if I choose not to follow this path the Lord is leading me towards? Would the result of that choice be an even greater challenge to face? I don't know how much longer I can take the tears, the sleepless nights, the sadness, and the pain of longing to touch the star that the Lord created me to reach, and realizing that the only thing keeping me from touching it is MY unwillingness to reach out my hand and take it.
Are you at this place in life, too? Are you struggling to take a hold of the blessings the Lord has in store for you out of fear that everything is going to change? As we choose whether we're going to run towards or away from the path the Lord has planned for us, let us ask ourselves this one question:
Would I rather take a chance and trust the Lord, or leave it all behind and face what I could miss?
After all, "A person will never change until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing."
Are you ready to close your eyes, hold out your hand, and really trust God with your life? Your star is waiting up there for you, my friend. Will you choose to reach for it?
~*~* Kelley *~*~
